Tag Archives: grief

{rest in paradise, sweet callee girl}

11 May

it is with a very heavy and woeful heart that i post this blog.

this past week, i made the very difficult decision to put my kitty, callee, down to eternal rest. she was my best friend, my sidekick, my companion, my love. she gave me purpose and something to look forward to coming home to. for so many years she gave me a reason to feel important, a love i have still never known, and so much appreciation in my heart for what a good girl she was. she did not bite or scratch people or furniture, she didn’t jump on countertops, knock stuff over, or most of the typical cat stuff. she was so loving and sweet and loved to be adored and petted. she was my little shadow… followed me everywhere. she “slow-blinked” at me all the time and just adored me. she was a “talker” as my best friend would say, she was vocal and a good listener, she was also a good learner and just an overall great animal and pet. i was overwhelmingly blessed to have her in my life for such a long time. i still can’t believe she’s gone. it will take me some time to grieve and move on. i used to think i would want another kitty immediately, but now that i’m here in this space and time, i realize i feel differently… i just know i need to have grace with myself and allow myself to take it all one moment and day at a time until i decide i may want to adopt again.

losing her is a great loss for me. it was a long time coming… she had been declining for about the last year and i did all i could to hold on and let her hold on… but in the last days, i knew she was ready to go. she was telling me every day and finally i had to make the decision in haste. i found a wonderful local place that was able to take her immediately and so graciously helped and comforted me through the very tragic and daunting process. i also had a tremendously wonderful friend help me through the entire journey, even long before the final day arrived. these people are important to me and i will be forever grateful to have them there during the painful and heart-wrenching procedure.

in her final days, she was a lot more affectionate with me. she was always so loving, but not much of a “lap cat.” but one day last week she came into my recliner with me and laid on my chest for what felt like days, although it was probably only a half hour. but it was the best gift she could’ve given me. she nudged her little head into my armpit and held me close. i will forever cherish that moment. days later, when we sat in the veterinarian office and i had made my last memories with her, she was calm and was purring and rubbing her head against my hand, almost as if to thank me. we both knew it was time. and i reminded her that although i was no longer going to be able to play the role of her mama on this earth, that she would be so warmly greeted and welcomed by my mama on the other side.

and believe me when i say this – SHE UNDERSTOOD THAT! ❤

so on this mothers day, which is usually a hard day for me anyway, i honour my mother, and also being a “mother” to my sweet kitty, callee. she changed my life, saved my life, and forever will be in my life… and in my heart.

thank you to all of you who have made sweet comments about my dear callee girl, and those of you who had the pleasure to meet her, pet her, hear her, know her, and love her.

i’ll most likely post another blog with more pics of her… but for now, i will close with this favourite foto of her from 2017. 

I LOVE YOU FOREVER, CALLEE GIRL!

 

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

{this one goes out to judi}

21 Aug

happy birthday, mama! ❤

i miss you so much! ❤

i miss you more as i get older – ardently, i just want to be able to take you to lunch or bring you flowers or treat us to a pedicure or meet for coffee or go for a walk or call you on the phone and complain about something that in the grand scheme of things is/was probably irrelevant or unnecessary but you would make it feel that much more important because you loved me so much and everything i cared about mattered to you. i also wish i could call you to talk about the hard things, too… and i just know you’d give the best advice and offer the best most loving support. i wish i could hear you say my name even just one more time.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about you… your love, your heart, your spirit, your mind, your energy, your humour, your kindness, your gentle nature, your hair, your eyes, your hands, your scent, your voice… the list goes on and on.i

i remember you had a tender and fragile heart of gold. i remember you could play the piano with such grace and ease. i remember you could read sheet music like it was a language to you… even songs you had never even heard before… if it was in front of you, you could read it and play it as if you’d been playing it forever! {anything by phil collins always comes to mind!} i remember it also was so crucial to you to teach us music – it was written in your soul. i remember you making funny faces on long car rides to entertain us… we called it the “bear face.” i remember you did this silly thing with your hand to crack me open and make me giggle when i was being stubborn or ornery. i remember you constantly encouraged me to write and to be creative {SO many days spent rearranging the furniture without asking you, and you would come home and praise me for it anyway!} i remember before you passed away, you sweetly requested to be buried with one of my stories that you had laminated and wire-bound for me. i remember you taught me how to use a typewriter and now i can type almost 90-words-per-minute on a computer. i remember nothing was as important to you as your children. i remember your favourite meal was stuffed shells {maybe i should make that today?!} i remember you were soft-spoken and understated, but also incredibly tenacious and resilient. i remember people noticed you, even though you didn’t want the attention. i remember that everyone remembers you. i remember that you left a remarkable impression on everyone you engaged with. i remember you had a quiet strength that i feel has been instilled in me because of you.

i remember that your very loving spirit and energy and influence are still present here, helping me every day to be better… and you leave me pennies… and you reconnect me with and/or bring people into my life that also remember you… those who share you with me… with whom i relate, connect, and learn from… and even those that never had the privilege of knowing you… the mothers in my life that give me motherly love… that accept me and honor me and show up for me… those who have “adopted me” ❤ !!!

{*** LP, PL, SJ – shout out to you… you know who you are, and i’m forever thankful to and for you! ***}

when someone compliments me in just about any way, i pretty much always say – “i got it from my mama.”

and another thing! — why does my cat remind me of you?! ha! one of my fondest memories since you’ve been gone is when we threw you a birthday tea party! i would love to do that for you again. the older i get, the more i look like you. lately, i keep my hair short – which i personally like for lots of reasons, but also mostly because it makes me look more like you. last week, i was treated to a dinner out for the first time in a long time, and i carried your denim purse with me… it’s so 80’s and it’s so fabulous! {still can’t believe all the fashion stuff eventually circles back around – haha!} there are lots of things that were yours that i kept for many years and eventually let go of… but some things i held on to, and i love that you find ways to remind me that you’re still with me, and within me. most of that comes with an intangible feeling in my heart and not from material things. ohhh, how i am continuouilsy so thankful for that!

i am so thankful that you were and are my mom and that i am your daughter! i will continue to celebrate you and all that you did and all that you showed me and all the ways i am like you! i love you, judi.

to my readers : thank you for having the space to allow me share these very personal and intimate thoughts about my beloved mom on this special day. thank you to those of you that have been on this journey with me all of these years. thank you to those who reach out and show me love through your thoughts, words, and actions.

to all of you : love the ones you love with all the love you have. always and forever… 

 

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,