food & foto

happy birthday, mama! ❤

i miss you so much! ❤

i miss you more as i get older – ardently, i just want to be able to take you to lunch or bring you flowers or treat us to a pedicure or meet for coffee or go for a walk or call you on the phone and complain about something that in the grand scheme of things is/was probably irrelevant or unnecessary but you would make it feel that much more important because you loved me so much and everything i cared about mattered to you. i also wish i could call you to talk about the hard things, too… and i just know you’d give the best advice and offer the best most loving support. i wish i could hear you say my name even just one more time.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about you… your love, your heart, your spirit, your mind, your energy, your humour, your kindness, your gentle nature, your hair, your eyes, your hands, your scent, your voice… the list goes on and on.i

i remember you had a tender and fragile heart of gold. i remember you could play the piano with such grace and ease. i remember you could read sheet music like it was a language to you… even songs you had never even heard before… if it was in front of you, you could read it and play it as if you’d been playing it forever! {anything by phil collins always comes to mind!} i remember it also was so crucial to you to teach us music – it was written in your soul. i remember you making funny faces on long car rides to entertain us… we called it the “bear face.” i remember you did this silly thing with your hand to crack me open and make me giggle when i was being stubborn or ornery. i remember you constantly encouraged me to write and to be creative {SO many days spent rearranging the furniture without asking you, and you would come home and praise me for it anyway!} i remember before you passed away, you sweetly requested to be buried with one of my stories that you had laminated and wire-bound for me. i remember you taught me how to use a typewriter and now i can type almost 90-words-per-minute on a computer. i remember nothing was as important to you as your children. i remember your favourite meal was stuffed shells {maybe i should make that today?!} i remember you were soft-spoken and understated, but also incredibly tenacious and resilient. i remember people noticed you, even though you didn’t want the attention. i remember that everyone remembers you. i remember that you left a remarkable impression on everyone you engaged with. i remember you had a quiet strength that i feel has been instilled in me because of you.

i remember that your very loving spirit and energy and influence are still present here, helping me every day to be better… and you leave me pennies… and you reconnect me with and/or bring people into my life that also remember you… those who share you with me… with whom i relate, connect, and learn from… and even those that never had the privilege of knowing you… the mothers in my life that give me motherly love… that accept me and honor me and show up for me… those who have “adopted me” ❤ !!!

{*** LP, PL, SJ – shout out to you… you know who you are, and i’m forever thankful to and for you! ***}

when someone compliments me in just about any way, i pretty much always say – “i got it from my mama.”

and another thing! — why does my cat remind me of you?! ha! one of my fondest memories since you’ve been gone is when we threw you a birthday tea party! i would love to do that for you again. the older i get, the more i look like you. lately, i keep my hair short – which i personally like for lots of reasons, but also mostly because it makes me look more like you. last week, i was treated to a dinner out for the first time in a long time, and i carried your denim purse with me… it’s so 80’s and it’s so fabulous! {still can’t believe all the fashion stuff eventually circles back around – haha!} there are lots of things that were yours that i kept for many years and eventually let go of… but some things i held on to, and i love that you find ways to remind me that you’re still with me, and within me. most of that comes with an intangible feeling in my heart and not from material things. ohhh, how i am continuouilsy so thankful for that!

i am so thankful that you were and are my mom and that i am your daughter! i will continue to celebrate you and all that you did and all that you showed me and all the ways i am like you! i love you, judi.

to my readers : thank you for having the space to allow me share these very personal and intimate thoughts about my beloved mom on this special day. thank you to those of you that have been on this journey with me all of these years. thank you to those who reach out and show me love through your thoughts, words, and actions.

to all of you : love the ones you love with all the love you have. always and forever… 

Tags: anniversaries, birthdays, blogging, blogs, death, emotions, feelings, foodandfoto, foodnfoto, grief, grief is like glitter, i miss my mama, I miss you, judi, life, life after death, love, mama, memories, my mom, ramblings, thoughts, vulnerability, whatever, writing